I don’t know why people with two kids ever leave the house..
I know I find it completely overwhelming. I like to think its because I’m only three weeks post partum and don’t feel completely myself yet. I’m praying this is why.
I always find this is the hardest part for me. Not quite back to your old body, but not pregnant and cute. Hardly any sleep and don’t get me started on night sweats. I feel like I have no energy but twice the work load. My brain is frazzled and I feel like what I could normally handle is now a big chore. As far as my healing goes I feel good.. A few kinks here and there but mostly good.
I like to think the feeling of being overwhelmed is almost over…but as I look over and see a throw up soaked spot on the rug, the 2 yr old culprit who’s tantrum induced the barf, the baby was screaming and I’m here alone going, what the hell do I do?
I think I made it through this one but my heart is still pounding.
I am trying to be nice to myself and give myself grace but sometimes it’s hard. I’ll be doing really good, having a good day and then bam. It changes. I’ve had good days with small victories but it seems to be pushed aside when the next challenge comes.
I can only focus on how my milk supply isn’t enough for my baby, my house is too cluttered, my toddler is watching way to much tv…etc.
My husband asked me to iron him a shirt for work and I’m literally dreading it. It’s so stupid.
And he’s working tonight. I just miss him, you know?
I’ll get better at this..
Just keep swimming.
This Sunday morning started like most Sundays lately; feeling to huge and tired to make it to church so I opt out to stay home and catch up on some much needed sleep. I should mention this is uninterrupted because my husband takes Adele to church just so I can have some quiet time. Its glorious.
Once I woke up and started my day it occurred to me that Baby Boy hadn’t had his normal morning roll around my belly. Pretty strange because my little man is super active. I chalked it up to me having a late night and he was moving crazy the night before at the jewelry party I had attended. So, no big deal I figured.
Cut to a birthday party we attended later in the day and still no major movement. I had counted about 8 which is pretty low for him and considering my last experience with low movement I am super sensitive about knowing movements.
I debated back and forth about calling my doctor fearing they would want to see me and I would be in the same exact predicament I was with Adele.
However it was all I could think about so I called and they had me come in. Dad drove me and Thomas left work to meet me at the hospital.
I check in and get set up with a stress test and ultra sound. All is fine. I get sent home. Praise God! Thomas goes back to work to finish his shift till 12AM.
I get home around 10:30, put adele to bed and opted out of catching up on my shows and headed to bed.
I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I have to pee per usual. I scoot off the bed and the moment my feet hit the floor I feel a gush of water and my heart starts racing and I smile and I am absolutely thrilled that my water just broke! (its more rare than I thought, only happens in about 10% of labors)
I turn on the light and that’s when every thing changed. I was staring down on the floor at a puddle of blood. My mouth all of a sudden felt like I was chewing cotton and my heart was racing now in panic. I started for the bathroom and I don’t exaggerate when I say it looked like a murder scene. Blood was everywhere. It wasn’t thick like pure blood so I knew it was my water but it was as red as red could be. This is also where God totally took care of my heart and let the baby move putting my fear aside a little.
I checked the time, it was 1:30AM and I knew thomas was on the couch asleep, having just gotten home an hour ago. I called to him from the bathroom and after my third try he responded and I said as calm as I could, “My water broke and its very bloody.” He came running in and I could tell from the look on his face when he saw the bathroom that he was nervous. He later told me he was ready to call the ambulance. I called my doctor and got the answering service who would put me in touch with my doctor. No one EVER called me back. Yeah. (At my app today for follow up I told the head of my practice and she was very upset)
Anyway. I decided to just head to the hospital. My poor hubby was trying to clean the carpets and bathroom so we wouldn’t scare our sitter, Cailin, or adele. Finally I had to tell him to take a brake and lets get our crap together! I called my mom and told her what was going on and to meet us the hospital.
Once our sitter got here we headed to our hospital thats 45 min away! I was contracting at about 5 min apart and trying to just focus on the worship music as we drove.
When we arrived at the hospital we realized there was no valet so we just left the van at the entrance of the ER! Thomas helped me into the wheel chair and as soon as I stood up.. more bloody water. I just kept muttering how much blood there was…
We got to the birthing unit and I checked in. They admitted me and got me into a Johnny.. blood pooled at our feet and they kept looking at me with big smiles. They casually suggested a second IV in case of blood transfusion. I was checked by the doctor (who hilariously was there with my hours earlier when I got my ultra sound!) She says “[your kids] like dramatic entrances!” Funny.
She checked me and I was only 3 centimeters dilated. Which is when she told me that she was pretty sure my placenta was rupturing. Which means the placenta was tearing away from my uterus. So she told me they set me up with a section. I was totally crushed but not surprised considering the amount of fluid everywhere. They let my mom in and I had a good cry before once again, I was whisked to the OR to deliver.
A few minutes later everyone in the OR was ooohhing and aaaahhiiing over my 10lb baby! I heard his cry and that was enough to bring me to tears. He was here and we were both okay…
Fast forward to after the two hours in recovery when they sent me to my room and brought the newly named Hudson to the nursery.
Im sitting there in bed thinking its been quite a while since they took him when I get a knock at the door. I see the face and my whole heart dropped to the floor. I recognized the face. The Dr. from the NICU. Thomas had left to get Adele so I had the pleasure of the news by myself.
Hudson had a heart murmur and had swallowed some fluid so he would need him for the next 48 to 72 hours. As soon as he left, the tears came. The disappointment and fear. Really God? Two emergency c-sections and two babies in the NICU?!?! Are you friggen kidding me? That was my heart. Just totally, absolutely crushed.
They told us they would have an EKG planned for 8PM that night. They told us they would go over the results in the morning. I was in the bathroom when the cardiologist came into our room at 10PM. I closed my eyes. I knew they wouldn’t be here this late to tell us good news.
I was right.
They wanted to take him to children’s that night because he had a narrow aortic arch. Thomas would be going to the hospital that night and I wouldn’t be able to transfer till the next day.
There aren’t any words for the sadness I felt as my baby came into my room in an incubator on a stretcher surrounded by about 15 people about to be taken away from me.
That was not a good night.
However, after a somewhat ok rest I was headed to Brighams the next day. This is a blessing to me because this hospital allowed me to be fairly close to Hudson as they have an inpatient bridge connecting the two. Pretty amazing.
Here we found that not only was the narrowing an issue but also that Hudson only has one leaflet in his aortic valve. instead of the regular tricuspen, he has a monocuspen. Here’s the pro’s of these being his issues, each of them are symptomatic and nothing will change drastically. Right now he is doing just great. Best case scenerio? His body grows with both issues and he adjusts perfectly. Worst case? Open heart surgery at some point. No matter what happens we are blessed with literally the best children’s cardiologist in the USA.
Hudson spent the first week of his life in the Cardio ICU and Ward. But with the okay from doctors he was released with mom and able to come home the same day. I thank God with all my heart, truly believing the prayers of everyone had much to do with this.
Hudson has been home for just about a week and he is doing really well. Everyone is adjusting to having a new member. Big sis is super sweet to him, just sassy to mom and dad.
I’m sore and tired, but feeling way better at this point than I did with the first section. My heart is still worked up over everything, but I’m slowly wrapping my head around everything. I hope one day I can understand.
And if not, I guess I just need to trust that God had these things happen for a reason even if I never figure that reason out. And remember that it could have been a lot worse. The Cardi ICU makes that very clear.
We are so in love with our little man and he is sweet as pie already. His cheeks are to die for.
Thank you to everyone who prayed and who helped us out over these crazy days!
This momma needs to go to bed now…kids are sleeping <3
Here we are- 40 weeks today!
Oh how I wish that meant that I would automatically go into labor! It’s 12PM and as of right now, no serious signs.
It’s funny, you wait for this day the whole pregnancy and now that it’s here I feel about 100 different emotions.
I am crazy excited, nervous, anxious and maybe a hint sad. And that’s just the ones I can explain!
Excited for obvious reasons- I can NOT wait to meet my little man!
Nervous/Anxious because if all goes right this will be my first natural birth. I feel like a first time mom and in many ways, I am. There is also the nerves because I have extra risks being a VBAC though I am praying I can push and avoid another section. I’m praying so hard that he comes soon and not just for the obvious reasons but because if I go past 41 weeks my chances of a section go up considerably because I can not be induced in the regular way. I’ll spare you the details but essentially it’s I go into labor naturally or they have one option to try to get things going and if that doesn’t work a section it is. It’s not the end of the world, i’d just be disappointed. Given my last experience I can’t help but think everything is going to go awry.
Lastly, the sadness of not just being me and my Goose any more. I’m so happy to have an addition but I know it’s not going to be me and her any more and that’s weird to wrap my head around. I wonder if I’ll miss it.. It feels like I will. Though I think once baby boy is here it will feel natural :)
But I’m ready. I’m feeling so blessed even though I may be a little grumpy at this point (though please don’t tell me that I am!) I remind myself that each pregnancy is a blessing and I am truly thankful that I am able to have babies and remember that it’s a privilege not something everyone can experience. So when I look down and see my stomach torn to shreds with stretch marks that hurt and insure I will never wear anything tummy baring, I remind myself that some women would kill to have those marks for what they represent.
Oh. And we still don’t have a name. No joke. We are parents of the year over here!
Hopefully my next post is a pic of our new guy, if not, I’ll let you know how it feels to be late!
'And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.'